A joyful player's joyless end

Written By Unknown on Minggu, 22 Desember 2013 | 23.01

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GRAEME Swann had always posed a threat. The problem on this tour was that Jonathan Ross was in more danger than Michael Clarke.

Ross is England's talk-show king. Think Rove McManus with a lisp and some actual jokes.

Swann, a sportsman with rare wit and charisma, could easily fill his shoes. The highlight of the off-spinner's interviews was more often improvisational comedy than his observations on the game.

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After a spectacular take in Adelaide, Swann insisted: "I'll take no less than 10 questions about the catch."

That provided a rare laugh on a tour that has been as much fun as a vasectomy with a pair of hedge clippers.

A tour that will be remembered for the sensational implosion of a team that had, just five months ago, posed and selfied on the dais at The Oval after winning a third consecutive Ashes series.

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Swann was rightly castigated for telling his brother via Facebook that he would have preferred to be at a concert at home than "being arse-raped in Perth''. But if the choice of words was regrettable, the sentiment was unmistakable.

For England, cricket had suddenly been reduced from the source of huge enjoyment, incredible self-worth and rich rewards to joyless drudgery. All in the time it takes to narrowly avoid decapitation by a Mitchell Johnson bouncer.

We have spelt out the reasons for this mind-boggling transformation before. The hubris of a team that had, until now, planned its cricket as meticulously as it planned its gourmet meals. The failure to acknowledge, and adequately prepare for the hostile conditions and - particularly in Johnson's case - the improved team they would face.

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Swann's retirement will be mistakenly bracketed by some with Jonathan Trott's early departure. But Trott falls into a different category because he succumbed to a pre-existing illness. Even if the symptoms were triggered by some harrowing experiences on the field.

On the other hand, Swann's mid-series retreat quite reasonably poses a tough question of a once fiercely focused and grimly determined England outfit. Is the team that dominated Australia and, for a time, was near the summit of the game a bunch of shameless front-runners?

This is not to belittle the talent or the achievements of the best England team in decades. Certainly not those of Swann, whose 255 Test wickets at 29.96 made him, in some expert minds, the best English spinner since 'Deadly' Derek Underwood.

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But if you believe adversity most often provides a true test of character, on this tour England has been more Mr Bean than Atticus Finch. With a few honourable exceptions such as Joe Root in Adelaide and Ben Stokes in Perth, they have been meek, fragile and, all too ready to wave the white flag.

Swann cited the injuries he felt no longer allowed him to perform over five days as the reason for his retirement.

But the initial suspicion was that he had promptly called it quits after being told he would be left out of the Boxing Day Test.

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Which, given he had taken just seven wickets at 80 in the first three Tests, would not be the most shocking English selection decision since the Conservative Party dumped Margaret Thatcher.

Whatever the reason, Swann's timing seems uncharacteristically selfish. He will have Christmas with his family here while his former teammates wander out onto the MCG hoping not to be force-fed more humble pie.

It is one thing to know when your time is up and make a dignified exit. It is quite another to leave a bunch of embattled teammates in the lurch because pride will not allow you to run drinks or bring out the new gloves.

The current team - or what's left of it - put English cricket back on its feet. Now it is dying on its knees.


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